Remove grave tributes, grieving Cumbrian families told (From The Westmorland Gazette)

Remove grave tributes, grieving Cumbrian families told

8:30am Thursday 7th October 2010 in Ballots By Scott Kirk, Reporter

CRITICISM: Nicola and Carl Atkinson with their son Daniel at the grave of their son Benjamin

GRIEVING families have hit out at church rules that ban them from leaving graveyard tributes to their loved ones.

Toys, teddy bears, plastic flowers, photographs and other personal items are all banned from churchyard graves in the county – a rule reinforced in new regulations issued by the Carlisle Diocese.

However, the stance, affecting dozens of Cumbria’s churchyards, has been criticised by bereaved families, MPs and the public.

This week the Church of England defended its move, saying such tributes were unsightly and made graveyard maintenance harder.

But South Lakeland mum Nicola Atkinson, who has left tributes on the grave of her stillborn son, Benjamin, in Burton-in-Kendal churchyard for three years, said she would be devastated if made to remove them.

Mrs Atkinson, 33, said she and her other children – Charlotte, nine, Luke, six, and one-year-old Daniel – regularly left toys, ornamental butterflies, model trains and other items on the grave at St James’s Church.

"I don't see a problem with it,” she said. “On birthdays and around Christmas, family and friends want to put things on.

“I'd be upset if we weren't allowed to do that. Flowers don't last forever so at least a few little ornaments provide a bit of colour.

"It would be a shame if they (the church) became very strict with it.

"It's just a few token things we like to put on."

The Rev Paul Baxendale, vicar at St James's, declined to comment on the rules, included in The Churchyard Regulations 2010.

But diocesan spokesman, the Venerable Richard Pratt, said: “Some of the things put on graves do make maintenance very difficult.

"My own opinion, and the opinion of many, is that the more excessive things are quite unsightly.”

He said many churchyards were Sites of Special Scientific Interest and tributes like plastic flowers were inappropriate.

Westmorland and Lonsdale MP Tim Farron described the ban as ‘harsh’. “I appreciate the diocese wants to preserve the appearance of churchyards, but people have to be allowed to celebrate their loved ones’ lives in ways appropriate to them.”

Penrith and the Border MP Rory Stewart said: “It’s a question of commonsense. The Church should allow families to express their grief in the way they wish, unless there are very good reasons not to do so.”

Cumbria-based bereavement counsellor Linda Jones-Bulman said: “Every situation is unique, but placing special tributes on gravestones really helps the grieving process.

"Personalising a grave is a way of helping the family remember the living person.

"It can be very comforting for them. Otherwise there is just a lump of stone with words and dates on it.”

South Lakeland councillor and lay preacher Roger Bingham said: if graves were ‘absolutely awash with toys and ornaments’ that was not right but added: “We need a little element of sensitive control.

"I would challenge any clergy person to actually confront a distressed person in that situation."

Gravedigger Terry Brooks, who works for Duckett Building Services based in Carnforth and Holme, said: “I think it’s quite nice when kids bring objects to remember their grandparents or whoever by.”

The Rev Mark East, of St Andrew’s Church, Coniston, said people would be asked to remove non-floral tributes, but added: “It's very sensitive dealing with people who are near grief or have very strong memories.

"Whatever has to be done, it has to be done sensitively.”

Some cemeteries, like Parkside Road at Kendal, are operated by South Lakeland District Council.

A spokesman said: “We have really had no problems in our municipal graveyards and therefore see no reason to ban bereaved families from placing tributes.

"However, we would discourage people from leaving valuable items.”