OUR house is officially on the market so it's all systems go with Project: Convincing Someone To Part With Their Money.

I'm now in an almost-constant state of anxiety trying to keep the place looking pristine at all times, because although we're a 'viewing by appointment' house, you never know when someone might drop by with lots of cash burning a hole in their pocket.

However, my husband and child (two separate people, in case that wasn't clear) don't seem as bothered as I am about the house looking immaculate.

"I'm just creating a more...shall we say...authentic vibe," explained Smithy, when I questioned why he'd made a sandwich and had left the bread, butter, ham, a knife and lots of crumbs on the kitchen worktop. "It makes the house look more homely."

I took a deep breath.

"It isn't homely," I said through gritted teeth. "It's an invitation for a colony of ants to come and have a party in our kitchen - and as far as I know, most humans don't enjoy attending those kinds of parties."

He took a bite of his sandwich.

"People will like the house or they won't," he said sagely, through a half-chewed mouthful. "A few crumbs won't make a difference."

I fantasised about throwing my daughter's stacking cups - all eight of them, in size order - at his head, but then realised I'd tidied them away and couldn't remember where.

Anyway, as stressful as a conversation like that can be, it's nothing compared to the moment you actually have to open your house to members of the public - and on Sunday we had our first viewing.

"Okay," I said to Smithy, ten minutes before they were due.

"I've cleaned everywhere, I've hidden all your cra...er...knick knacks, and I've lit all my Jo Malone candles and placed them at intervals around the house. When they arrive I need you to stand strategically in front of the damp patch in the lounge and Do. Not. Move."

I suddenly realised he was looking a bit pale.

"This is actually quite nerve-wracking," he said. "I wish I'd cleaned up my biscuit crumbs from the kitchen table now."

The doorbell rang just at that moment, so I plastered a 'please buy our house' smile on my face.

And made a mental note to find those stacking cups and get practicing my aim.