I HAVE read a news report that more young children are not ‘school-ready’, especially since they can’t speak in sentences. Modern mothers, though strangely not fathers, were partly blamed for being glued to their smartphones. Setting aside the fact that the phrase ‘school-ready’ is an ugly invention, implying that children are the same as oven-ready chickens, it is clearly a problem if children can’t understand their teachers or are behind in speaking. However, what kind of English we should be speaking is a can of worms. The regional dialects of England can be seen as part of a rich heritage which is disappearing. Here in Cumbria we have a whole traditional vocabulary which is in danger of dying out, and in Furness distinctive phrases which are maybe too colourful for a family newspaper. In one of his books, the shepherd James Rebanks gives a list of Cumbrian phrases and sometimes amusing translations, such as ‘Thuz not reet’ meaning ‘You are very wrong’, and ‘Thuz is a long way frae reet’ meaning ‘You are an idiot’. It is true that preserving local dialects does not make for easy communication outside its speakers. Every now and then I hear the amplified voice of the auctioneer in the livestock mart. It’s very musical, and lovely to hear but I can’t recognise a single word. My nephews always claim that when they were younger, someone tried to rob them in Glasgow but gave up in disgust when he couldn’t make himself understood. Some form of standard English is necessary so that we can all communicate. All the same, it’s a bit much when people who should know better mangle English so that words lose their ability to convey ideas or facts. Politicians can succumb to meaningless soundbites and evasion. No-one ever lies, only miss-speaks. The CEO of a restaurant chain was recently quoted as saying they were going to ‘look at the pricing architecture of the menu’ and ‘reinvigorate the value offer’. If adults talk such nonsense, children have no chance. As for me, going forward I am committed to a robust evaluation of my current offer and to cascading down fit for purpose parameters to enhance the customer experience. Alreet?