Whose idea was it to let off fireworks at midnight?

SO this week we’ve got the decs down. We love putting the decs up but boy do we love taking them down, oh yes.

With a manic zeal I say: “Hey! Let’s rearrange the furniture back to how it was pre-December!”

The Mother Superior’s eyes blaze with possibility.

Make no mistake, January is just full on rock and roll when you’re parents to young children.

I’m obsessively methodical about the Christmas decs, which is not usually a feature of my nature.

To the extent that the Mother Superior (who rarely does anything not written down on a list) remarks upon it.)

“Stop being anal about the Christmas decs,” she says.

I look up up from labelling the lights (we have five sets).

“I’m not being anal,” I reply, guilt-ridden.

On the plug socket of each set of lights, I have attached thin strips of paper which then identify that this set is for the front window, this set is for the stairs, this set is for the tree, this set is for the outdoor tree and this set is for the bedroom.

“You’ll be thanking me next Christmas when we know where everything goes,” I sigh; like Grandad.

Ah, a New Year. A full New Year – there is much to look forward to people.

We are alive, we are breathing and that is all that ever matters.

This hyper-positive outlook usually lasts about a week into the New Year.

This year it lasted 10 seconds because I was woken up at midnight by the dog barking at fireworks going off.

I’d gone to bed at half ten. There’s only so much of Jools Holland I can handle.

Who decided midnight was a good time to let off fireworks? Let them off on Bonfire Night and that’s it.

The second thing that annoyed the start of 2014 was a text at around 1am – just as I was falling back to sleep.

It was from the Buddhist Big Sister. She who is on the path to spiritual enlightenment (with an alcoholic drink always near to hand).

She who advocates that we should “enjoy only the moment” and that “material possessions do not matter”.

This is she who recently blew £65,000 on a massive kitchen extension for the ashram but keeps a straight face while she preaches. (My Xmas present this year was a coaster.)

Her text read: “The Boarding on Flight 2014 has been announced. Your luggage should only contain the best souvenirs from 2013. The bad and sad moments should be left in the garbage. The duration of the flight will be 12 months. The next stop-overs will be health, love, joy, harmony, wellbeing and peace. The captain offers you the following menu which will be served during the flight. A cocktail of friendship, a supreme of health, a gratin of prosperity, a bowl of excellent news, a salad of success, a cake of happiness. All accompanied by a burst of laughter! Wishing you and the family an enjoyable trip on board Flight 2014!”

This is the kind of cockamamie U.S of A horse dung that does the rounds on Facebook all the time.

I texted her back: “What if it crashes?”

Giddy on champagne, she texted back: “It will if you think that!!! Think positively!!!”

I wasn’t going to reply but my natural sarcastic nature got the better of me.

“I’m positively thinking that I’m not supposed to be in work in seven hours, but I’m positively sure I am...”

She didn’t text back. How negative can you get?

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