"I do try not to sound like grandma!"

First published in Opinion The Westmorland Gazette: Photograph of the Author by , Reporter

APPARENTLY I’ve started to talk like I’m several decades older than I am.

This is according to The Fiance, who tells me ‘it’s a bit nippy outside’ and ‘ooh my joints are aching’ aren’t sentences one should hear from the mouth of a 28-year-old.

“You sound like my grandma,” he says. Several times a week.

“Nobody says ‘hunk’ or ‘dreamboat’ anymore.”

I reply: “But look at Johnny Depp! He is a hunk and a dreamboat - and a fine figure of a man, come to that!”

I’ll admit my grannyisms go too far though.

A low point was: “Honestly, look at that girl, she’ll catch her death if she doesn’t layer up.”

Then three seconds later I shed a tear and cried: “Oh god, I just said ‘layer up’!”

I’ve been on a campaign to be ‘Cool Auntie Anna’ to my nieces and I know it’ll never work if I keep up this sort of behaviour.

In a bid to be hip and groovy (oops) I’m trying to cancel out my anachronisms by talking like an 18-year-old.

Nobody’s explained the rules to me, but it sounds like you just shorten a word and then stick either an ‘s’ or the word ‘balls’ on the end.

“Oh em gee, your shoes are totes adorbs!” would be an example. “And that onesie is amazeballs!”

For normal people I think this means: “Oh my God, your shoes are totally adorable! And your all-in-one item of leisurewear is amazing.”

Speaking in exclamation marks is also key, apparently.

But I feel like a fraud, and I think at least one of my nieces knows this.

“Auntie Anna...you don’t have to pretend to like One Direction,” she said, after I told her I think they’re all ‘totes gorge’.

“I love you even if you are old.”

I think that’ll have to do for now.

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