I WAS taught as a young 'un I shouldn't talk with my mouth full - but I was also told it's rude to ignore someone if I'm being spoken to.

So going out for a meal leaves me with something of a social quandary.

What's the right thing to do when the waitress asks if 'everything is okay' - and I'm chewing a mouthful of buttered seasonal veg at the time?

On Saturday Smithy and I went to a restaurant in Ambleside, where the staff were as keen as the proverbial mustard.

"How are your main courses?" asked one waitress. Three times.

Every time it was like she'd been watching and waiting until I was chewing a particularly large mouthful of food.

"Mnnnnnhhhmnnns," I answered, trying to nod enthusiastically.

She smiled: "Ahh, great. Can I get you anything else?"

"Nnnnnnnksss," I answered, trying to shake my head enthusiastically.

"Are you sure? Any more condiments?"

I tried to chew faster but to no avail, "Nnnnnnn!!" I eventually got out.

The situation had not changed when she asked again five minutes later.

Nor five minutes after that.

When her colleague joined the Spanish Inquisition 10 minutes later, it took every ounce of willpower in my body not to tell him, politely, where he could shove said condiments.

I can't be the only person who isn't quite sure what the etiquette is in this delicate situation (delicate because nobody wants their pudding spat in).

On Saturday night it got to the point where, if our waitress appeared in the vicinity of the table, I felt I had to put my fork down and hastily swallow whatever I was eating.

The latter, when it led to a mild choking fit, was not conducive to the 'cool and classy' look I was trying to cultivate.

So on behalf of everybody who is thinking of going out for a meal this weekend, I would like to pre-empt the inevitable questions.

Yes, everything is okay. No we don't need anything else.

And we'll leave a much bigger tip if you'll leave us to eat in peace.