SO, what’s the best thing about having kids?, asked a shiny-eyed friend, punching my shoulder, having just discovered he’s about to become a father in the New Year.

“The best thing about having kids,” I told him, “is cereals.”

He nodded his head a little, a bit unsure.

“Being able to dictate which cereals are bought and they eat,” I explained. “That’s a big power trip for me personally.”

“Because once they’ve spat out the All Bran and decided they’ve had enough Cheerios, you can abandon the daily healthy eating struggle and get down to the very serious business of buying all the best cereals of your childhood and eating them all for yourself.”

My friend frowned at me and said: “Riiiiight,” in a low voice.

I dropped Weetabix from the breakfast bowl in my late teens when I started skipping breakfast full stop.

But having had children, I’ve found them again. And you must always use Blue milk - none of this red cap, semi-skimmed diluted water.

Oh, and plenty of sugar. The Mother Superior doesn’t even allow sugar on the kids’ cornflakes, which is frankly medieval.

And don’t get me wrong, I do partake in All Bran, but it’s like eating a bowl of old laces.

AND YOU NEVER PUT SUGAR ON SUGARPUFFS!

This is the first commandment of parenthood. Once you start sanctioning sugar on Sugar Puffs you’ve put down your guns.

We parents are duty-bound to pass on this country’s Unofficial Food Rules to the kids.

Way back in the early Eighties, a school friend of mine, whose Mum was quite a resourceful but abrasive woman, (especially in the mornings after the previous night’s Lambada up the local cricket club), would often warn, loud and brassy across the dog-barking estate as we left for school in the morning: “N DON’T EAT ANY CHIPS FOR YER DINNER EITHER - YOU’LL END UP WITH A SQUARE BUM!”

Except she didn’t say bum. She used the full uncensored word. But they were different times.

Can you eat Three Shredded Wheat?

That was a kind of an embryonic binge eating challenge made into an advertising campaign in the 1980s. A lad at our school (who liked his food) once had a crack at a party. He ended up getting to nine and then nearly choking to death. All that was at stake was a packet of lemon Hubba Bubba, but then teenagers didn’t have the Internet to entertain them back then and laughs were in short supply.

I love the memory of Sugarpuffs more than the reality, which is how I regard the 1980s full stop.

Perhaps to fit more closely with modern attitudes, they could bring back Tony the Tiger for a new campaign?

Except this time all his teeth have fallen out.

He could just come on screen, a bit sheepish, then shrug and say: “Sugar’s not grrrreeaat,” then just walk off.

That concept might need a bit of work..

But to return to the original point, the best thing about having kids is they come up to you after you’ve had a long, hard day at work. They climb on your knee, smile sweetly and say: “Daddy when you die can I have your phone?”