APPARENTLY the fat cats at several big corporations have realised the error of their capitalist ways and have decided they don’t want to take our money any more.

Or that’s what I assume has happened anyway.

It’s the only reason I can think why customer service would be so atrocious at every single company one has to have dealings with.

“It’s because,” I explained to Smithy, “they want us to be so incised that we’ll immediately take our business elsewhere.”

He rolled his eyes. Apparently my moaning isn’t good for the ‘zen’ lifestyle he’s tried to adopt.

“Things aren’t that bad!” he said breathlessly, as he segued slightly awkwardly from a downward-facing-dog to a monkey-playing-a-saxophone-while-juggling-three-hedgehogs.

(I made that up. I have no idea what yoga moves he was attempting. All I know is that approximately seven seconds later he was lying in a heap on the floor claiming to have pulled every muscle in his upper body.) But I digress...

Smithy is wrong: things really are that bad.

In the last fortnight I’ve had a clothes delivery get lost in the post, a customer services advisor lie about the whereabouts of said order and a refund for the wrong amount.

In the same week a different company, from whom we had ordered a washing machine, delivered a faulty product and then quibbled over whether they should be expected to replace it.

When they did replace it, the delivery driver quibbled over whether he should be expected to carry it into the house and install it (a service we had paid for).

In the end he grudgingly told me he would install it, but could only give me 10 minutes rather than the allotted 20, as he was ‘running late’.

All of this led me to start planning whether it would be possible to find work and accommodation on the moon.

Meanwhile, Smithy still maintained that it was simply bad luck rather than a representation of customer services departments everywhere.

Or at least he did until three things he’d ordered online failed to turn up by the specified days.

I think his ‘zen’ revolution has now ground to a halt.