Restaurant etiquette: I might just get a takeaway tonight...

The Westmorland Gazette: elmgrove

6:00pm Saturday 4th October 2014

I WAS taught as a young 'un I shouldn't talk with my mouth full - but I was also told it's rude to ignore someone if I'm being spoken to.

OPINION: "The county show traffic needs to be dealt with...but not until '90s classics hour' is over."

The Westmorland Gazette:

6:00pm Saturday 20th September 2014

THE annual County Show - arguably the highlight of the agricultural calendar - is over for another year.

"People keep getting up...they're going to tip the plane!"

The Westmorland Gazette:

6:00pm Saturday 2nd August 2014

I’M back in work after a lovely two weeks off - cue a very bad mood.

Is it 'art'...or it is just plain rubbish?

6:00pm Saturday 28th June 2014

CALL me a philistine - and I know I’m about to divide the room - but my opinion on art is this: if I could have done it myself, it doesn’t count.

At least I've got a well-stocked condiment cupboard...

6:00pm Saturday 21st June 2014

MY DAD tells me on an almost-daily basis that he’s concerned about my retirement.

Attack of the wedding guestzillas!

6:00pm Saturday 7th June 2014

THIS weekend my sister got engaged and I had only one piece of advice to impart: RUN LIKE THE WIND!

I might be a 'great mind' after all...

6:00pm Saturday 24th May 2014

LAST week I was taught a new saying: great minds discuss ideas, small minds discuss people.

My shoes, these days, are mainly comfy...

6:00pm Saturday 17th May 2014

TODAY I’ll be mainly sitting in a darkened room weeping nostalgically for the ‘good old days’.  

The men of Cumbria can go from nought to topless in the time it takes for two clouds to part...

6:00pm Saturday 26th April 2014

THE sun showed its face for about three minutes last week and half of Kendal immediately stripped to its underwear.

Cold callers are people too, you know

6:00pm Saturday 19th April 2014

APPARENTLY I’m ex-directory.

Everything went downhill when Woolworth's closed

The Westmorland Gazette: Half of the former Woolworths store in Ilkley is to be occupied by a national coffee shop chain.

6:00pm Saturday 12th April 2014

DOES anyone know what constitutes a healthy diet?

I need to get rid of the spaniel on my head...

6:00pm Saturday 5th April 2014

MEN aren’t very good at paying compliments.

I'm off to join the Morecambe Bay mermaids!

6:00pm Saturday 15th March 2014

THE general public, I’m quickly realising, has the common sense of a teaspoon.

The sound of silence is pure pleasure!

6:00pm Saturday 8th March 2014

THE house is quiet because The Fiance has gone away with work.

I'm in the doghouse with the cat...and I can't be doing with all this tension!

6:00pm Saturday 1st March 2014

I’M in the doghouse with the cat.

Romance isn't dead - it's just being drowned out by the Formula One...

The Westmorland Gazette: Front row seat: Sam Bird led from start to finish on Sunday in Singapore and remains a front runner for GP2 drivers’ championship and a possible step into Formula One  	Picture: Andrew Ferraro/GP2 Media Service

6:00pm Saturday 15th February 2014

YOU can be happy as larry and utterly in love and still find your partner annoys the hell out of you.

Not even the slowest checkout staff want to talk about anything more than the weather...

6:00pm Saturday 8th February 2014

SMALL talk is one of those things that you’re either good at or you’re not.

"We’re like a nation of Hugh Grant film characters, circa 1995..."

4:20pm Tuesday 4th February 2014

THE Fiance has a bee in his bonnet about bad parking.

Spinning: torture overseen by a minion of Satan, masquerading as a nice, normal fitness instructor from Burneside

6:00pm Saturday 25th January 2014

LAST week I went to a spinning class.

"I do try not to sound like grandma!"

6:00pm Saturday 18th January 2014

APPARENTLY I’ve started to talk like I’m several decades older than I am.

“They’re saying we might need to stockpile hundreds of tins of beans!"

6:00pm Saturday 11th January 2014

LIKE Englishmen in hot countries and the Daily Express, I am becoming strangely fascinated by the weather.

"I may as well finish my Chocolate Orange first..."

6:00pm Saturday 4th January 2014

IT’S that time of year again when we all have to pretend we’re trying to better ourselves.

This year will be different - well, maybe!

3:00pm Thursday 2nd January 2014

IT’S that time of year again when we all have to pretend we’re trying to better ourselves.

"It's like the Blackpool illuminations at home..."

6:00pm Saturday 21st December 2013

ONE of my favourite things about this time of year is The OTT Christmas House.

"Please reduce the volume of your stress, I'm trying to watch Elf..."

6:00pm Saturday 14th December 2013

I’M going to take a step back and prepare to run in case my next sentence gets me lynched: I’ve done all my Christmas shopping.

"I'm always eating cake alone..."

6:00pm Saturday 7th December 2013

THIS week has not been kind to my waistline.

"Forget the board games - we want iPads for Christmas!"

6:00pm Saturday 30th November 2013

THE Christmas I was eight I desperately wanted a 'Baby Rollerblade' doll.

It's lonely out here in the real world

2:40pm Friday 22nd November 2013

YOU might want to take a seat, hold on to your hat and make sure your socks are secure for this: Last week I deleted my Facebook account.

"I think d'Artagnan may be here to stay..."

6:00pm Saturday 16th November 2013

THIS week has been all about the ‘mo’.

Looks like d'Artagnan might stay

12:00pm Friday 15th November 2013

THIS week has been all about the ‘mo’. The fiance, who can barely muster himself to get a haircut most of the time, has embraced ‘Movember’ – where men grow a moustache for a month to raise awareness of men’s health – and now spends an inordinate amount of time looking at himself in anything reflective.

"A mysterious ghostly presence keeps walking off with half my wages..."

7:00pm Saturday 9th November 2013

THE subject of ghosts has come up several times in the office recently following a ‘sighting’ by a colleague’s wife.

Friday treats are a subsbtitute for TV Bake-Off heaven

7:00pm Thursday 31st October 2013

THERE’S a void in my life left behind by the Great British Bake-Off.

I wonder if my cat really loves me...

3:00pm Thursday 24th October 2013

ONE lunch hour last week I overheard two women in Kendal having the age-old ‘cats versus dogs’ debate.

New washing machine puts us in a spin...

5:10pm Friday 18th October 2013

YOU know you’re getting old when a new washing machine is heralded like the arrival of the Baby Jesus himself.

"Tut tut, Mary Berry, all that cake is no good..."

9:40am Friday 4th October 2013

CHANGE is in the air at Casa Clarke this week.

You can't possibly do worse than me...

6:00pm Thursday 26th September 2013

I WROTE a feature last week on the importance of organ donation and have since signed up to be a donor myself.

Blog: Dead-eyed zombies? That's us!

4:59pm Thursday 5th September 2013

AT 7am today I was perfectly happy. I’d woken up – always a bonus – and was looking forward to a big bowl of chocolate cereal before work.

Blog: Me, an actor? You've got the wrong script

11:13am Tuesday 3rd September 2013

THERE’S a film crew coming to Kirkby Lonsdale.

Blog: A lesson in life from 'the Ginger Ninja'

3:56pm Tuesday 27th August 2013

I THINK ‘how hard can it be?’ were the famous last words I uttered before my niece and her entourage exploded into my house.

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