IN THEORY I’m getting married next summer. I say in theory because my fiance and I have booked a venue for a party and now we’re completely stuck for ideas.

As the parents keep telling us – a ceremony might be nice.

It turns out planning a wedding is a serious and difficult business and we’re completely unprepared.

In our naive, early-engagement days (last April) we thought we could get married in a shed and our nearest and dearest would still turn up, wipe away tears of joy and proclaim it the ‘best wedding ever!’ That innocence has been stamped out by those same caring relatives who have informed us the wedding cannot be in winter – too cold– or high summer, too hot.

Neither can it be too big, too small, too loud, too simple, too expensive, too cheap, too abroad and we mustn’t, under any circumstances, offend anyone by not inviting them.

This alone is baffling because I’m not sure who ‘anyone’ is – Aunt Ethel will expect to be invited, but does the line stop before or after the postman?

I can see now why my suggestion of a registry-office and-chippy tea wasn’t well received, especially by the mums, who have already bought their hats.

I’m also baffled by everything I’m supposed to plan and pay for – one ceremony venue said optional extras included flowers, chair covers and...the ceremony.

Hotels immediately add thousands to their prices as soon as they hear the ‘W’ word.

“No no no Miss Clarke,” they say. “It’s not the same meal, the dessert is now an optional extra!”

Canapes, first dance music and the age-old ‘band vs DJ’ argument are also keeping my head pounding.

And what on earth is a charabanc? And why does my dad want ‘the family’ to arrive in one?

I keep hoping my inner bridezilla will rise to the challenge but she’s either keeping a low profile or has abandoned me completely.

So I’ve finally set out on the dangerous path of asking my fiance to do the legwork.

I’ve justified it by telling myself he’s a teacher and has free time over the summer - even though he has no idea what a canape is and has told me several times since that ”Man United do weddings”.

Like I said, in theory I’m getting married next summer.

I may or may not be standing on the pitch at Old Trafford at the time.