IF YOU want to stop kids being overweight, they need to start making computer games rubbish again – then kids’ll get outside more.

I speak from experience, having become the ‘Cumbrian Mourinho’ on FIFA 13.

Guiding Carlisle United to a glorious quadruple – the latter being a surprising 7-0 FA Cup Final victory against Man City.

The FIFA franchise is a leap forward from Subbuteo; the big game of the early 80s.

For starters, your mam had to iron the cloth ‘pitch’ before you started.

If she didn’t, ‘Anfield’ resembled the South Downs.

Knife-edge FA Cup finals would be wrecked by your sister coming in and the draft from the door blowing over your half of ‘Wembley’.

Unlike injuries on FIFA, they were fatal for Subbuteo players.

One player would get stood on and end up with his body painfully horizontal to his ankles.

He’d either be out of your team permanently or he’d be sent for treatment to the famous American ankle surgeon, Dr Cellotape.

Strangely, we never focussed on the disproportionately-sized football – about four times bigger than the actual players.

To get the idea, imagine trying to have a kickabout with the Bowderstone near Keswick.

Visits to the toy shop to look at teams were always fun.

Mate: “That’s Liverpool.”

Me: “How do you know?”

Mate: “They’re red.”

Me: “So is that one, though.”

Mate: “No, that’s Man U. The socks are black.”

Me: “Oh yeah.”

The goalkeeper in Subbuteo was on the end of a long stick connected to his bum. To complete the ignominy, his arms were permanently raised above his his head, like he was practising Y.M.C.A.

In early Subbuteo, every single player was white. If you wanted John Barnes in your Liverpool team (and we all did), you coloured a white player in with a black magic marker.

It was our childlike way of trying to make our teams more ethnically representative.

But looking back, it’s healthy that children of the time had the self-awareness to spot what had for too long been over-looked by makers of Subbuteo.