So there we were in Kendal last Sunday for the Christmas Lights switch on.

Rows of exhausted parents pushing buggies up Stricklandgate in a drizzle (well done Kendal Rotary by the way).

Every year for six years we’ve taken the eldest to see Father Christmas switch on the lights. But she’s getting older and wiser.

The mistake was getting to Abbot Hall too early (Mother Superior’s fault) and spending a bit too much time in close proximity to Father Christmas himself (my fault).

For 10 minutes, the six-year-old stared at him with a look of intense curiosity.

Chewing a nail, she returned to us and asked: “But is that the real Father Christmas?”

“Of course it is!” I replied categorically at exactly the same time as the Mother Superior said: “No, it’s just one of his helpers.”

The six-year-old looked at us both with confusion written across her face.

There are no winners with questions like that. No-one really benefits.

This is the unglamorous side to parenting. Everyone ends up a little worse off than they were.

To fill the awkward silence, I shouted: “Look!” and stabbed a finger towards a distant big dog.
“One of his reindeers is loose!”

I set off in pretend pursuit. Oh ye subtle art of distraction, how often you have saved me.
With both kids pre-occupied hunting down a non-existent ‘reindeer,’ I conspiratorially turned to the Mother Superior.

By complete coincidence, she was conspiratorially turning towards me.

We are about to start the process known as Silent Arguing or Blame Parenting.
This involves us whispering to each other what the other one should have actually said. T

his happens a lot in our Coalition.

People without children probably assume that agreeing on things jointly as parents is easy.
That you are kindred spirits.

That you agreed on everything before children and you will agree on everything once you have children.

You also may have enjoyed lazy summer picnics together in hayfields and been content just listening to each other breathe.

All of this will end when you have children – usually within seconds of the umbilical cord being cut.
 

“Silly Daddy should have cut the cord with a single snip shouldn’t he? Not sawing at it like he’s carving turkey!”

But let don’t me put you off having children.

The more people who become parents, the more personally satisfying it is for those of us who already have children and want other people to suffer.

Anyway, we head to Glasgow soon for a kids-free weekend! The Mother Superior already has a list.

I’ve not checked but from memory this should entail:
l Worrying about the kids
l Texting/phoning home about the kids
l Buying presents for the kids
l Talking about the kids
l Talking about how great the kids are (after wine)
 

Then we can return home and genuinely tell them: “We’ve missed you so much.”

Because we genuinely do!