A FRIEND asked what part of me I would change if I could alter my physical appearance.

“Everyone has something they hate,” she said.

For her it was her ‘warrior-like calves’. I had never even noticed but their muscly shape clearly did not impress her.

I have a friend who wants to get her nose changed to a Julia Roberts bump. Another surprised us all by returning from holiday with a tan and significantly larger breasts.

The only element I would really want to change about my appearance is my teeth.

They have become increasingly wonky since I was a teenager. I missed my generation’s teeth-straightening years.

Back then, the thought of having several taken out – which involved needles and anaesthetic – was enough to put me off train-track braces.

Ten years later, my pearly whites have rearranged themselves because of ‘wisdom’ teeth – the world’s stupidest creation.

I’ve never lusted after Jordan’s assets but I don’t envy Goofy’s either. So, this month, I scouted around for orthodontist treatments.

I was shocked by how expensive it is to get teeth put back in order. It is £2,000 at one practice. Another suggested I pay £6,000 to have invisible braces like Myleene Klass.

My mind boggled at the price. I tried explaining that I wanted my teeth straightened, not replaced with diamonds by Damien Hirst, but to no avail.

Still, I plan to sign up. Let’s hope I can still smile after my bank takes the battering.

So, six months of aching mouth here I come. No toffee, no sweetcorn, nothing I could get stuck in my shiny braces, and nothing expensive – I’m saving up, don’t you know.

I’m looking forward to having straight teeth. My only fear is that I will then find something else I need to change about my appearance, and I will sink in a downward vanity spiral.

Because everyone has something. If you see me in a year’s time and I resemble a dehydrated Barbie doll with a melting wax candle face, watermelon curves and tiny tiny leg muscles, you will know why.