I AM planning my travels through India. It is like trying to get a child to plan its way around a sweet shop.

There are so many options. I could see the madness of modern Mumbai, the cloistered caves and ancient frescos of Ellora and Ajanta, the temples of Hampi. Then there is Bangalore, old French colonial Pondicherry, and Chennai, famous for its Madras spice.

It’s impossible to get a sense of where to go as a tourist. I imagine I will end up in India’s equivalent of Bowness – the Lakeland honeypot. Everyone who visits Cumbria seems to make a bee-line for there.

I reckon if you want to see real Englishiness you should mix in a few alternatives to the standard route around London, the Cotswolds, Lake District and Edinburgh. I found a perfect example last weekend when I headed to Blackpool to see the Illuminations for the first time. The 133-year-old spectacle is a sight to behold.

I had culture shock, and I only live 55 miles up the road. I can only imagine how much it would surprise, delight and terrify overseas tourists.

The £10m artificial light display is probably the most colourful thing I have ever seen, at least since I visited China’s Xian market five years ago. There are technicolour trams, large moving theatre displays and lines and lines of shining, twinkling and flashing displays along the roadside.

I strolled down the promenade in the dark, with three friends, eating crab sticks and chips.

A four-year-old child was carried past on her father’s shoulders. She was wearing a florescent pink bomber jacket and wielding a light sabre and a plastic AK-47.

The arcades buzzed all around and the shops were open, selling Vimto rock and deely-boppers.

As the evening went on, an alcohol-inspired man ping-ponged off several buildings and in between scantily clad woman tottering past on heels.

Blackpool Illuminations runs until November 4 this year. It is not a typical tourist destination – but I would give it five stars if I wrote the guide. Go and see it and send a postcard to your family back home.