SOUTH Lakeland District Council will apparently have to turn to encourage crime in order to meet government set targets.

That seems to be the implication in a brochure which was delivered along with the annual Council Tax demand.

The brochure says the current rate of domestic burglaries in South Lakeland is 1.45 per 1,000 households and the target is 2.98.

The current rate of violent crimes per 1,000 population is quoted as 8.35 and the target is 11.73.

"It seems the only way that the council can achieve its targets is to join the criminal fraternity," says Ian Hill, who made me aware of the anomaly.

Can we expect, therefore, to see squads of fluorescent-jacketed bin men and even be-suited occupants of South Lakeland House rampaging through our streets mugging old ladies and breaking into our houses in order to meet their targets?

It is just another example of lunacy of the target culture', says Ian.

A similar type of false accounting used to be popular in the mountain rescue world.

Years ago the rescue teams used to launch annual appeals which stated how much the teams cost to run and the number of rescues.

They then divided one figure by the other and announced that figure as the cost per rescue.

As most of the operational costs were fixed - running the headquarters, keeping vehicles and equipment up to scratch and the like - it meant that the more people who tumbled off the fells the cheaper each rescue became.

So, in the interests of economic efficiency, perhaps they should have been encouraging people to go ill prepared on to the fells rather than trying to discourage them.

CLERGY CLANGER A FEW weeks ago I noted that over 30 head teachers in Cumbria were off with stress because of overwork and I suggested that if they only had the same amount of holidays as everyone else then they would be less stressed as they would have lots more time to do the work in.

Inevitably the e-mails poured into my computer.

Typical was one from Sue Cox, who said: "I read your article in the Gazette every week and usually find it amusing, but I couldn't believe what I was reading.

"I work in two schools where both my head teachers work up to 14 hour days, usually six days a week, and for most of the holidays.' "The idea that teachers get the same holidays as the children has never been true (being the daughter of a teacher I do speak from experience). Believe me it is not possible to educate children if the teachers work 9am-3pm, five days a week, 39 weeks of the year!"

Personally I have never believed that teachers work short time, but it can be amusing to echo a frequently expressed public perception and wait for the predictable outburst of indignation.

Interestingly I was outside my house on Easter Sunday when a car shot past, then suddenly reversed.

Inside was a local clergyman, who had a brief chat about my column, then said: "I loved what you wrote about the teachers."

An interesting viewpoint from one who others might consider as "a one-day-a-weeker," I thought.

SIZZLING STUDY?

WHEN it comes to new ways of wasting time the Procter Department of Food Science at Leeds University seem to be leaders in their field.

After spending 1,000 hours in research four scientists came up with the following formula.

N = C + fb(cm) . fb(tc) + fb(Ts) + fc . ta.

It is claimed to be the perfect recipe for a bacon buttie where: N = force in Newtons required to break the cooked bacon; fb = function of the bacon type; fc = function of the condiment/filling effect; Ts = serving temperature; tc = cooking time; ta = time or duration of application of condiment/filling; cm = cooking method; C = Newtons required to break uncooked bacon.

The only saving grace of this nonsense is that it was paid for by a bacon company (whose name I shall neglect to mention as they are only after the publicity) and not by educational funding.

Not surprisingly the research concluded that the best sort of bacon for making the perfect buttie was the type sold by the company which sponsored the research - how's that for a piece of independent, objective research of which the university can be justly proud.

GOOGLE GIGGLE SOMEBODY at Google has a wicked sense of humour.

Go to the website and click on maps then type New York in the search box When it comes up select "find direction to" then type in London.

You get an impressive set of directions leading you out of the Big Apple street by street until you eventually arrive at the coast and step 23 where it says: "swim Atlantic Ocean 3,462 miles."