WHY we celebrated the annual anniversary of a man who failed to blow up parliament I have never fully understood.

I would be happier to light the sky on November 5 with pyrotechnics in honour of someone who had succeeded, as it might have led to future parliamentarians being more careful about their good behavior and standing with the electorate.

Nevertheless, as Guy Fawkes Night approaches, here are some of my suggestions for special fireworks to give the occasion a more local flavour.

The ever-popular Council Tax Sky Rocket - watch it soar higher and higher every year before disappearing without any noticeable beneficial effect.

Sellafield Golden Rain - cascades of glowing particles showered over everything in a large radius.

Queen Catherine Wheel - goes into a high-speed spin, scattering GCSE-shaped stars in all directions.

The Wattsfield Hummer - firework which emits sound plus a delicate aroma to bring back memories of summer nights near the Kendal sewage treatment works.

Chinese Restaurant Crackers - noodle-shaped flashes of light in the sky, but beware, these fireworks cost six quid a shot and less than half-an-hour later you want another one.

Roaming Candles - shoot brightly-coloured stars high in the air, a boon for all clueless fellwalkers who need to summon the urgent assistance of mountain rescue teams.

The Windermere Spray Cascade - very rarely found now as the effect imitates the shimmering wall of water thrown high in the air by the wake of high-speed boats.

NHS Jumper - the fun of this one is its unpredictability as the heart of the firework leaps at random between Lancaster, Kendal and Barrow, before jumping into the middle of Morecambe Bay and extinguishing itself completely.

And finally, the favourite for over 30 years now - the Kendal Canal Restoration Damp Squib.