I MUST have pulled a face when I was flicking through the TV listings and saw DISFUGURED CELEBRITIES (C4).

About time, I thought.

Could this be the punishment now being handed out for being one?

The mind racedTara-Palmer Tompkinson tarred and feathered, Jade Goody on the rack, Phil Tuffnel's face used as a cricket stump?

I tuned in, and it wasn't what I imagined at all. Celebrities Disfigured involved Caprice (Supermodel) and Craig Charles (ex-Red Dwarf) having their faces disguised with gruesome make-up.

The pair then spent 48 hours moving among the Great British Public, to see how we reacted to their new look.

If I'm being honest, Craig Charles looked like a medium rare Freddy Krueger, and Caprice bore the Mother, Father and Pet Dog of strawberry birthmarks.

Consequently, both celebs were made to feel about as welcome as Tony Blair at, well anything. Naturally, the Great Unwashed reacted the only way they knew. They averted their gaze, kept their distance, didn't utter a word and abandoned them in social no man's land. But then again, I assume this was filmed in London, so down there you do that to your neighbours, never mind complete strangers.

Interspersing Craig and Caprice's secret camera footage was testimony from people who had real facial disfigurements.

They spoke about how the public's uneasiness in their company made them feel worse and how having a facial disfigurement often meant people wrongly assumed they had a mental problem too. I would love to be able to write that when confronted with the real thing my first reaction was: "Wow, what an incredibly brave person, I'd love to get to know them better." But if the truth be told, I simply called out to the better half: "Get in here love, and have a look at this face on telly"

I apologise for being a human being, but regardless of what we'd like to think, we judge people on their looks.

After all, I'm a bald, 50-something, overweight bloke who wears thick NHS glasses - this column only uses a photograph of Ellis Butcher, because it's ghost written for him.

I'd like to be one of those people who instantly "see past the scars." And anyway, why should I show false empathy? Because high up on the list of small talk with someone with a facial disfigurement has got to be: "What happened to your face?," and I'm not sure that's any of my business.

Is that the British stiff upper lip, or human nature? Needless to say Celebrities Disfigured was a sympathetic programme full of moral dilemmas and the message was we should all try a lot harder. I can't really pull my face at that.

TONIGHT WITH JONATHAN ROSS (BBC1) In my teenage years I thought Morrissey and The Smiths was a clear example of the Emperor's New Clothes.

Those that bragged that they liked The Smiths were doing so as certified proof that they were a college student, and to publicly announce they'd snapped their Wham albums and dancing to Five Star at discos was no longer the done thing.

Liking The Smiths became a declaration of individuality. Except it wasn't, because everyone suddenly liked them.

Then a few years later my musical ear became more acute, and the truth finally dawned.

What do I think of Morrissey?

The man's a genius. And there he was on Jonathan Ross in his first public chat show in 17 years. At last! A chat show featuring a real writer, a real singer, playing real music who sat on "Wossy's sofa" and actuall had a few strong opinions to impart.

I don't necessarily agree with Mozza's view that "sprouts scream when you eat them", but listening to him talk about George Bush, American elevision and his inability to make friends, certainly beats the hell out of the usual chat show fodder of Ronan Keating - the man who appears on every chat show telling everyone he loves the latest song by Westlife who are all a lovely bunch of guys that he loves.

A lot.