JAMES Bond’s hands were trembling – but not with fear. Now in his nineties, 007 had been called in to M’s office in London for one last mission.

M stared at him across the desk. She was 103, but having undergone a sex-change and a series of facelifts didn’t look a day above 79. The MI6 boss pushed a manila folder towards the veteran spy.

“Berkov,” she said stiffly.

“I’m sorry,” said Bond, turning his deaf ear towards her. “I’m getting a bit old for that sort of thing.”

“Pay attention, 007. I mean Steven Berkov, the actor. He’s at it again. Do you remember him?”

Bond did indeed remember Berkov - alias General Orlov, who was his arch enemy in the Octopussy caper.

“What’s he up to this time? Another threat to start a nuclear war?”

“Pretty close, James.” M reached across her desk and tapped the folder. “It’s all in here. Berkov seems to be threatening to destroy the BBC. Says it broadcasts ‘garbage’ He must have been reading Allan Tunningley’s column in The Westmorland Gazette.

“Tunners, as he is known in the world of super-villains, is a subversive journalist who seems to have a grudge against Auntie. Two weeks ago he called for the Beeb to be cut down to size. Now Berkov is agitating for something similar.

“He says the BBC makes him want to cry; that Auntie is meant to represent values like honesty and decency. He’s a deluded fool. Something’s got to be done, James.”

Bond’s eyes widened and his left arm instinctively stiffened against the Beretta nestling in his armpit.

“It wouldn’t surprise me that Berkov’s a Gazette reader,” said 007. “He started his seditious acting career in Barrow-in-Furness back in ‘62. What do you want me to do about him?”

“He’s got to be eliminated, James. I take it you can still shoot.”

For the first time, Bond felt both shaken and stirred. He hung his head.

“I’ve had my licence taken away,” he said sombrely.

“Take a cab.”

“I mean my Licence to Kill – I’m only allowed to fire blanks these days.”

“Then Auntie is doomed,” said M. “How does that make you feel, James?”

“Very good, actually,” said 007 with a wry smile. “All the old Bond movies are shown on ITV.”