Brace yourself for turbulence

The Westmorland Gazette: AN AEROPLANE FLYING ACROSS LONDON.

5:00pm Thursday 26th June 2014

SO, we’re in Economy Class, boarding an air-conditioned plane to Majorca.

There is no English word for Siesta...

The Westmorland Gazette: Glorious setting: Majorca boasts some beautiful beaches and bays

8:00pm Tuesday 24th June 2014

IT’S just after lunch here on the hottest lump of rock in the Balearics and my resting heart-rate has slowed to that of a docile crocodile.

Don't get carried away by England and the World Cup

The Westmorland Gazette: OBSESSION: Roy Hodgson claims the country is "obsessed" with Wayne Rooney, pictured during Friday's friendly win over Peru

12:00pm Saturday 7th June 2014

SO, it’s last Friday and Roy’s Boys are taking on the crash test dummies of Peru.

Sunshine break has been a long time coming

7:00pm Monday 2nd June 2014

SO, it won’t be long now before we’re strolling down the Avenue de la Magnolia in our Raybans and diving head first into pools of Estrella Damm and Gin Fizz.

Good Friday and the Great Easter Cannonball Run into the Lake District National Park

The Westmorland Gazette: Coniston Water from Holme Fell

10:00am Saturday 26th April 2014

SO, it’s Good Friday as the Mother Superior pulls a big right on to Kendal bypass – plunging us in to the Great Easter Cannonball Run into the national park.

Ambleside's store wars are unnecessary, but maybe this is the answer...

The Westmorland Gazette: Welcome to Amblecity says the sign outside The Spar

11:00am Saturday 12th April 2014

SO, Ambleside is at war. And it’s impossible to choose a side. For or Against? Progress or preservation?

Journalists are human too, honest!

The Westmorland Gazette: STUCK: Stephanie experiences the Morecambe Bay quicksands

12:54pm Monday 10th March 2014

“How do you fancy getting stuck in quicksand Stephanie?”

What is our dog having nightmares about?

The Westmorland Gazette: It's a dog's life for the Butchers' Border Terrier

9:00am Thursday 23rd January 2014

SO the dog’s been having ‘nightmares’.

Councillors should have better priorities than smoking taxi drivers

9:00am Thursday 16th January 2014

AS A rule, Kendal Town Council is not prone to massive controversy.

Whose idea was it to let off fireworks at midnight?

8:00am Friday 10th January 2014

SO this week we’ve got the decs down. We love putting the decs up but boy do we love taking them down, oh yes.

Sweet night of parental freedom reveals real inequality

10:00am Tuesday 24th December 2013

So we’re in Glasgow.

Only 70 people witnessed my door trauma...

11:00am Friday 13th December 2013

SO we’re in Glasgow. (Pre helicopter accident, I might add.)

Car crime? Leave it to the professionals...

3:30pm Friday 6th December 2013

SO, a car has been “abandoned” on our street.

I can't even get the dog to listen

10:00am Friday 29th November 2013

SO, we’re officially into the ‘no’ season. The season of saying no.

The big Father Christmas question

10:00am Friday 22nd November 2013

So there we were in Kendal last Sunday for the Christmas Lights switch on.

A lesson in humility from a true footballing legend

10:00am Saturday 16th November 2013

This week was the tale of two footballers for me.

Blog: My neck is getting shorter. Is that what happens as you get older?

9:00am Friday 27th September 2013

My neck is getting shorter. Is that what happens, when you get older?

Blog: Never go without your stress residue medicine

5:01pm Thursday 5th September 2013

So, we’re in a beer garden in Looe, Cornwall. The kids and I have spent eight hours on the quayside hauling crabs up the harbour wall using a long line.

Blog: Free holiday failed to live up to promise

11:21am Tuesday 3rd September 2013

So, we have finally arrived at our site in Cornwall. The lawns are obsessively-tended and it seems the hanging baskets get a lot of love.

Blog: Being judgmental is not a nice trait . . .

5:40pm Thursday 22nd August 2013

So, we’re tanning it through back country rural Gloucestershire – trying to find our stopover to break the run down to Cornwall.

Blog: What could possible go wrong with my big sis?

5:06pm Thursday 15th August 2013

SO we were just coming off Junction 36 onto the M6 when I asked the Buddhist Big Sister: "So when did you officially break up from work?"

Blog: I'm at war with the DVD remote

5:30pm Thursday 18th July 2013

WE’VE got a problem with the DVD remote and I’m not sure it can be resolved.

Blog: Football used to be a real sport

4:53pm Thursday 11th July 2013

OF the 999 TV channels now lazer-beamed into Chateau Boucher, I can live without all of them except one...

Blog: Making the most of the summer . . .

1:46pm Thursday 4th July 2013

HAD a week off last week. It was spent mostly catching up, sorting out.

Blog: Ignore the inner freedom fighter

5:16pm Thursday 27th June 2013

WE’VE been looking after next door's Guinea Pigs while they're away. I mean the Royal we, as in not me.

Blog: Save us from the stick-in-the-muds

4:33pm Thursday 20th June 2013

SO, there’s me – all set to go to school sports day. Then it’s called off at the 11th hour.

Blog: Does anybody have an opinion?

5:45pm Thursday 13th June 2013

IF you didn’t know already, the diplomats have won. The hand wringers and professional bedwetters are now running the show.

Blog: See the fells in stunning HD

5:53pm Thursday 6th June 2013

THERE’S not a lot to do in Ambleside at four o’clock in the morning. I can vouch for this after laying there in my tent last weekend, needlessly wide awake At midnight, the persistent hooting of a nearby owl stopped me dropping off. I don’t get to hear owls too often, so it was quite a novelty.

Blog: 'Summer' is a national disgrace

5:30pm Thursday 30th May 2013

SO we seem to be getting summer in instalments. Gone are those long unbroken runs of wall-to-wall sunshine.

Blog: Look out for the unattended dog

5:22pm Thursday 23rd May 2013

MY column the other week about ending up in rough pubs by accident, obviously struck a chord.

Blog: Being quizzed by the fish police

5:06pm Thursday 16th May 2013

LET’S get a goldfish,” I announced out of nowhere. “They’re low-maintenance pets.”

Blog: Trouble with the welding fairy

5:17pm Thursday 9th May 2013

AS PARENTS, you encourage your children to tell the truth. But it reminds you of the lies you told your Mum and Dad.

Blog: A relaxing break is hard work

5:19pm Thursday 2nd May 2013

IT’S not long until our holidays, which means it’s not long until we become good old English fault finders.

Blog: What happened to all the budgies?

5:19pm Thursday 18th April 2013

I’D like to know what’s being done about the budgie crisis? That’s right, the budgie crisis.

Blog: I can be proper working class

5:22pm Thursday 11th April 2013

THE British Class system is still alive, so says the BBC. It should know.

Blog: Games need to be rubbish again

5:18pm Thursday 4th April 2013

IF YOU want to stop kids being overweight, they need to start making computer games rubbish again – then kids’ll get outside more.

Blog: It's all a bit too Hollywood

4:24pm Thursday 28th March 2013

I DON’T get invited to too many weddings, which is good because they’ve become a bit too ‘Hollywood’ for me in recent years.

Blog: Home phones are like the dodo

5:32pm Thursday 14th March 2013

THAT’S a tradition that’s going to end soon, isn’t it? When you call someone on their home phone and they repeat their telephone number and village back to you.

Blog: A healthy time at Fat Donald's

4:22pm Thursday 7th March 2013

YOU think you know it all, then you have children. It’s how gaps in your general knowledge are exposed.

Blog: You shouldn't be so stupid

5:28pm Thursday 28th February 2013

CHILDREN’S playgrounds are safer than they used to be. I say this having just watched my youngest somersault backwards off the big swing.

Blog: DS Dad always put them off

5:11pm Thursday 21st February 2013

CHILDREN are more confident than they used to be. We had ‘Declan’ round to play this week.

Blog: Something to look forward to?

5:25pm Thursday 14th February 2013

ONCE you have kids, the shine comes off Valentine’s Day. In fact, the shine comes off lots of things.

Blog: Man flu can be really serious . . .

5:26pm Thursday 7th February 2013

I'M NOT sure there are many illnesses that get quite so hard a time as ‘man flu’.

Blog: Annoyances just keep coming . . .

5:41pm Thursday 31st January 2013

ANOTHER birthday has passed, yet life’s little annoyances continue.

Honest, it wasn’t me Phil

4:36pm Thursday 24th January 2013

THE first time I properly listened to a vinyl record was when I was about 10. Until at a certain age, you’re a passive bystander to other people’s music. The first time I chose what to listen to, was with a friend.

No fads in my mam's locker

5:25pm Thursday 17th January 2013

MY OLDER sister’s not long back from a ‘silent retreat’ in South Africa. Paying several thousand pounds, she spent 10 days not speaking to anyone as part of a ‘mindfulness’ course.

Blog: Will 'bedroom TV' catch on?

2:19pm Thursday 10th January 2013

WE GOT our first colour television in 1984 - less than 30 years ago.

Comment: Do not disturb me after 7pm

2:34pm Thursday 3rd January 2013

CAN I make one thing clear, I've not been missold PPI. But I have been mistold that I've been missold PPI, if that helps?

Google made me well-read

4:50pm Thursday 27th December 2012

I HAVE a long history of mishearing song lyrics. I used to think the shoulder-dislocating New Year curtain-raiser was ‘Old Lang’s Eye,’ rather than Auld Lang Syne.

Christmas wish can't come true

4:40pm Thursday 20th December 2012

I WISH to use this last column before Christmas to dissect the concept of the song, I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day, but in the style of a lecturer.



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